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Amazing Poetry by VixRayne

Literature by Winnie1996




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Submitted on
October 30, 2011
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I have wandered this forest
Mindlessly searching for the end
I have fallen,
Stumbled and cried

Behind each tree a new stare
Each sound echoes

Endlessly searching for the end…

Walking in circles
Each figure a figment in my past

Not everything stays the same
The days seem longer
The air seems clearer

Some days I think I will find the end
Break from this dark…

Emerge a new person

My life, my own
My heart, for you

Only thing is
You need to find me…
I'm here waiting…
Just say when
I DO NOT OWN THIS IMAGE.....but the writting is mine :P

I would also like it if some people would post some criticism, it really would help and I would really apperciate it :D
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:iconcamaka:
Camaka Featured By Owner Apr 6, 2012  Student General Artist
Critique from :iconwriters--club:.
I'm not much of a poetry writer so bear with me.

The image was clearly perfect and the title was a great way to start the poem. However, after the first two lines, I felt it really just fell down hill. I see by the categories that this is a free verse kind of peom, however, even a free verse poem has to have some kind of pattern to it. Now, I don't mean patter as far as words or rhymes but rather, in this case, your stanzas. You go from four lines, down to two, down to one, to two, to three, to one and so on. While reading this, I can't really see why they are grouped that way and, in my opinion, it would be better group all as one large stanza. Now only will it help the readers but it will also help with the flow of this poem.

Now, poetry is basically prose with an extra amount of flow and creative words. That said, I didn't see your writing here as poetic but rather, I felt it would be better placed in a prose sort of light. Not only that, but the concept of the entire piece just speaks prose to me, not poetry and maybe its just because I write prose more than poetry that I think this. :/ Nonetheless, this is a poem and so, in order to make a better poem, I think you need to work of the flow and the way this is all set up. As I read this, it just sounded very choppy, so I went back and read it outloud and again, I still couldn't get the hang of how it was supposed to sound.

Adding more details about the forest surrounding this character would also help really sell this poem. However, I love the concept of a character wandering through the forest after losing someone they cared about, so good job!
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:iconrandom-storykeeper:
Random-StoryKeeper Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
What a wonderful image to go with the poem. Wandering through the forest is a perfect example of what I think of about "wandering mindlessly".

Your poem doesn't seem to make much use of periods. I'm not sure if that's what you intended, but I felt some times when I read it, I had to add the period in the places I felt was appropriate for a long pause.

I also feel you could make more use of the image you portrayed as a thumbnail for the work. You start off making a description about mindlessly wandering in a forest, yet as the poem goes on, I feel the sense of being in that forest is lost, especially at the end. As a suggestion, I think you could have engaged that image of a "forest" more vivdly and keep it to the very end. Other than that, it's pretty good! :judge:
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:iconbroknperfection:
broknperfection Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
thankyou very much... every bit of help is appreciated :)
also, i am currenlty in the process of reworking it, so i will definatly use what you said...

once again, thankyou
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:iconrandom-storykeeper:
Random-StoryKeeper Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Always welcome. :typerhappy:
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:iconladybrookecelebwen:
LadyBrookeCelebwen Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
This is excellent! :D
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:iconbroknperfection:
broknperfection Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thankyou very much, i'm glad you like it :D
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:iconladybrookecelebwen:
LadyBrookeCelebwen Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
You're very welcome!
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:iconthedefinitionofodd:
thedefinitionofodd Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Holy shit girl this is good!!
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:iconbroknperfection:
broknperfection Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
:D thankyou
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:iconerohiel:
Erohiel Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Do you mean "wandered" rather than "wondered"?
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